Another Upcoming Event To Look For Austen
B-Day June 2 Next Thursday
- Joke Time
-
There's this guy who's in the market for a used
motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads
in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful
classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to
find the bike in mint condition.
He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But
you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape". "Well," says the seller,
"it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going
to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact,
since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you
can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house
and show it off. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will
make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs
her boyfriend's arm. "Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my
parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person
who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says and
in they go.
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a
huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks - dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to
reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep
quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love
right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word. 'Her Mum's kinda cute', he
thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mum and has his way with her right there on
the dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realises it's starting to
rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the
Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right,
all right! I'll do the damn dishes."
Two drug dealers are being prosecuted in court.
The judge gives the two an option. They can either go to jail for life or they
have to get an admirable amount of other drug dealers to give up the drug
trafficking. The both choose to stop other drug dealer's form selling. Court is
adjourned for two weeks. After the two weeks pass the two dealers appear before
the judge. The judge asks one how many did you get to stop selling? The dealer
replies that he stopped 100 dealers from selling again. The judge asked how? The
first dealer replied that he drew two circles on the ground in front of the 100
sellers. One very large and one very small. He pointed to the big one and
said,"This is your brain before drugs!", then pointed to the small one and
said," This is your brain after drugs!"
A very interesting technique replied the judge. The judge ruled the first dealer
free to go. He then proceeded to ask the second dealer how many dealers he got
to quit. The second one said he got 1000 dealers to stop selling and give up a
life of crime. The judge being astounded frantically asked him how he
accomplished this goal. "Well", the second dealer said, "I drew two circles two,
one big and one small." "I then pointed to the small circle and said This is
your Butt hole before jail, and then pointed to the large circle and said This
is your Butt hole after jail."
A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The
fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found
that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride. His wife, as
understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was
quick to get out of the saddle.
Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get
some advice. "Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love
to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?" he asked. The doctor
smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a
bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find
that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her." "Okay, Doctor. If you think
that will help," the man said.
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that
she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared,
my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone. Undaunted, the
man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox
room? What if someone walked in on him?
He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon, he decided he would find a
spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be
inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there. A moment later, he pulled over,
crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young
wife, and began his "therapy."
A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he
felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid
ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"
"Sir, I'm with the police department. Could you tell me what you are doing,
please?" said the officer. "Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle,"
he replied confidently. "Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down
there!? Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago," the officer said.
Two guys were walking along a deserted beach and
bored to tears. The first guy says: "Hey, I have an idea. Let's split up. You
walk as far as you can that way down the beach, and I'll walk as far as I can
the other way down the beach. We'll meet here tomorrow and tell each other what
we did. The other gentleman agreed and each man began walking in opposite
directions down the beach.
The next day, they meet and the first guy says "So... Tell me about your day!"
The second guy smiled and said: "Oh, I had a great one! I found a small little
oasis with a pond and some cool grass and spent the day swimming and eating
coconuts from a tree! What happened to you?
His friend laughed and said: "You're never going to believe it!! I walked about
five miles up the coast and came to these train tracks. I walked down the tracks
about a mile and found this girl with the most incredible body I've ever seen
tied to the rails! I untied her and carried her to some grass nearby and we
spent all day and night having the most incredible sex I've ever had! This girl
was amazing! We did everything together!"
The other guy looked at his friend in amazement and asked him..."Everything?"
"Everything!" he replied. "Did she suck your dick?" "Well... no... she didn't do
that..." the man said with a sigh... "I couldn't find her head!"
Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next
to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he
says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation
with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy,
"What would you like to discuss?" Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about
nuclear power?" "Okay," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat
patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that
is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea!" So
tell me this," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
My girlfriend
and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents
helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a
dream! There was only one
thing bothering me. That one thing was her
younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty
years
of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend
down when near me, and I got many a
pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when
she was near anyone else. One day little sister calls and asked me to come over
to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to
me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that
she could not overcome and did not really
want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock
and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was
frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she
pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for
a moment, then turned and went straight to
the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked
straight toward my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears
in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the
family!" The moral of this story is..... Always keep your condoms in your car.
Top
ten questions to ask yourself before camping out to see the latest Star Wars
movie:
10. Why don't I have anything better to do?
9. How many Wookiees does my tent sleep?
8. Will it be more fun than when I camped out to see 'Miss Congeniality 2'?
7. Exactly when did I give up on doing anything meaningful with my life?
6. Will I be teased by roving gangs of Trekkies?
5. If I use all my vacation days now, how will I take that trip to ice planet
Hoth?
4. Does Starbucks let guys dressed as galactic bounty hunters use their
bathroom?
3. I wonder how many other guys on line are named 'Shecky'?
2. Should I just pay the extra dollar and use Moviefone?
1. If I had a girlfriend, what would she think?
2 blondes walk into a department store. They walk
up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her
wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace" "Yeah
what's it called?" "Viens a moi" "Viens a moi, what the fack does that mean?" At
this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for
'come to me'" Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again
saying..... "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to
you?"
A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next
to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would
have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets
off at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the
hippie, if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with
you. The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells
him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray
to the lord. If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder, said the bus
driver guy, you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with
you. Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the
cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up. When
she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and
glowing with a mask of god. I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will
answer them but you must have sex with me first. The nun agrees but asks for
anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly
sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his
mask and shouts out, Ha ha, I'm the hippie!! The nun replied by whipping off her
mask and shouting, a ha, I'm the bus driver!!
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to
marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new
clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I
spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The
second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a
stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with
the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests
it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and
reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our
future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each
of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest
breasts.
A couple with their young son decided to spend a
day at a nude beach. After an hour in the sun, the father went for a walk while
the son played in the water. After a while the boy came up to his mother and
said, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mother
said, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So the boy went back to play.
Minutes later the boy returned and said, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot
bigger than Daddy's." The mother said the same thing: "The bigger they are, the
dumber they are... " so the boy went back to play. Several minutes later the boy
ran back to his mother and said, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest
lady I ever saw, and the more he talked, the dumber he got..."
This is what happens after a late night of drinking. You put on your son's life
preserver and cook shit in the wee hours of the morning.
I'm hungry food ready yet fo fo.
Yes It Is
Reality Burgers Suck
Generator For Sale If Anyone Is Interested
Panty Check
Must have been a rough night
Well So Am I. Fuck
Off.
May 12th, 2005
- Joke Time -
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but
about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered the money his
parents gave him. "Hmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough? Then he
gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe
the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a
program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's
absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just
send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester,
the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?"
his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe
this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented
a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ?" says his father, "No
kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money. At
the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father
will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait
to hear him talk and listen to him read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have
some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the
living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he
usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin'
around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that liar!" "I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John
accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table
to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear beneath
her dress! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head
on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, he went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and
asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, "Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this
offer, he confirmed that he's interested. She tells him that since her husband
Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house
around 2 PM Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, he showed up at Bill's house at 2 PM sharp and after
paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their
transaction, as agreed. He quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked
his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in
her throat Sue answered "Why, yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this
afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give
you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best
poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500!"
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I
was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from
me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay
me back."
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A guy runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. Cop says, "License
and registration, please." Guy says, "What for?" Cop says, "You didn't come to a
complete stop at the stop sign." Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was
coming." Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please." Guy says, "What's the difference?" Cop says, "The
difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration,
PLEASE!" Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and
stop, I'll give you my license and registration." Cop says, "Exit your vehicle,
sir." At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the
ever-loving shit out of the guy and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW
DOWN?"
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So
they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours,
they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and
asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to
myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will
talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men
found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the
weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of
skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It
took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was
from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about
9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Bob. "Did you, er, happen to get up in the
middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes,"
Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I
did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm
afraid I did." "Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything!"
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