A man and a woman, who have never met before,
find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retired and
fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, he
leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims. "Good,"
she replies. "Get your own fucking blanket!" After a moment of silence, he
farted.
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in
the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was
jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down
along with her. She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" I
said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about." She stopped jumping and was
breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she
was pregnant! I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her
and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to Have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she
knew. She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the
twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the
last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The
guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!" "Son,
I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!" "No, Father, that's what kind of
fish it is-a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Really? Well then, help me land this Son of
a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the
biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen." "Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What
should I do with it?" "Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as
good as Son of a Bitch!" Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his
trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!" Sister Mary gasped and
clutched her rosary, "Father!" "It's Okay, Sister. That's what kind of fish it
is-a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that
big Son of a Bitch?" "Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to
the taste o a Son of a Bitch." Sister Mary informed the priest that the new
Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of
a Bitch for his dinner. "I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said. As she
was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
"What are you doing Sister?" "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch
for the new Bishops' dinner." "Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset but
please watch your language!" "No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish."
"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that
Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning
that Son of a Bitch."
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had
prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The
new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?" "I caught that Son
of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest. The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he
said nothing. "And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister, as the
Bishop's eyes widened even more. The Bishop sat silent in disbelief. The Friar
added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!" The new
Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face
as he said, "You fuckers are my kind of people!"
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he
wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also
invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighborhood. He held the party around
the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time
drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile
in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump
in. "The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the croc
and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs,
throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit, like head butts and chokeholds,
biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind
of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy
and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Jimmy strangled the croc
and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed
out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in awe.
Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"Nah, you all right , I don't want it," said Jimmy. The rich man said, "Man, I
have to give you something. You won the bet." "How about half a million bucks
then?"
"No . I don't want it," answered Jimmy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on
giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and
some stock options?" Again Jimmy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well
Jimmy, then what do you want?" Jimmy said, "I want the name of the cunt who
pushed me in the Pool."
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and
watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing
the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. Please
allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain
if you'd allow me," she told him.
Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied,
still in pain, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his
groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands
away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands
inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!!"
- Pics
-
Nice shirt
What a freak
Must have been a rough night
Wish my fridge was that big
Are you kidding me
Fat Albert?
Wake up and smell the coffee
June 14th, 2005
-
Joke's
-
An old man was sitting on his
front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbour's kid
walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got
there?" Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do
with that?" Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool!
You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he
is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the
boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey
boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What
you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man
yells back, "You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just
laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's
amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35
ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks
like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha
got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow. Old man says "Wait up... I'll get my
hat."
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his
friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but
I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask
her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an
erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I
did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul,
"and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you
ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."
An attorney got home late one
evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a man
named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His
last-minute plea to the governor for clemency had failed and he was feeling
tired and dejected.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started at him: "What time of night
do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on. Too shattered to play his
usual roll in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a large whisky
and headed off for a long soak in the bathtub, pursued by her predictable
sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bathtub the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that
her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing
what a day he must have had, she relented a bit and went upstairs to give him
the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, the sight of her husband's rear
view greeted her as he bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. The attorney whirled around and
screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop!?"
A blonde lady motorist was about
two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had
broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San
Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending
the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in
the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed
already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly
take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy
to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and
carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego
when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street
and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these
chimpanzees to the zoo." "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had
money left over so now we're going to Sea World.
First-year students at Med School
were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all
gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The
professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to
have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted
by anything involving the human body."
For example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt
of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same
thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several
minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead
body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second
most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on
my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
A cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following
a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter
being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was
wonderful.
He
asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's
testicles from the bull fight this morning. It's a true delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation
down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day
because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow
and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy, following the
bull fight"!
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening
he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites,
and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called the waiter and said,
"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you
serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull
wins."
Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and
both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his
occupation, Paddy answered, "panty stitcher, I sew the elastic onto ladies
cotton panties and thongs". The clerk looked up 'panty stitcher' on his computer
and finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave Paddy $80 dollars a week
unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation, he replied, "diesel fitter".
Since 'diesel fitter' was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 dollars a
week.
When Paddy found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find
out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The Clerk
explained, 'panty stitchers' are unskilled and 'diesel fitters' are skilled
labor. "What skill?" yelled Paddy "I sew the elastic on the panties and the
thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says, "Yep, diesel fitter."
A father passing by his son's bedroom was
astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he
saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the bed. It was
addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read
the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice, even with all her
piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the
passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy.
Even though you won't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already
owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams
too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be
growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for
AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15
years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be
back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your son, John
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card
that's in my desk centre drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come
home.
-
-
PSP
