HAPPY B-DAY 2 HOTTIE

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
 

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A man walks into a bar in Dublin and sees a guy, obviously drunk, with dozens of empty pint glasses around him. The man walks over to the drunk and asks what is wrong.

"Do you seen those ten bridges out that window? I built those bridges with me own two hands. But do they call me McGinty the bridge builder? Ahh, No."

He takes a sip of beer and continues: "And do you see those ships in the harbor? I built those ten ships with me own two hands. But do they call me McGinty the ship builder? Ahh, NO"

"But ya fuck ONE goat…."

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A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says: 'I saw your look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks. I'm 7 feet tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around.'

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There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?" With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

Now that the Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has finally said 'Sorry', the Aboriginal union is holding a meeting tomorrow to decide whether to end their 220 year strike and start working...

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China? Everybody won.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98. Two years older than me" she replied. "So you're 96? Hardly worth going home, is it?" he said.

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Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said, "Coffee Break... do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet - ate the cookies... drank the milk... shit on the paper... screwed the other three cats... claimed he injured his back while doing so... filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions... put in for Workers Compensation... and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave!

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A muscular body builder type is walking along the beach, when he happens upon a woman with no arms or legs lying in the sand. She looks up at him imploringly and says, "Please sir can you help me, I'm 30 years old and I've never been kissed."" Feeling sorry for her he leans down and gives her a kiss.

She then says, "I hate to put you out, but I've never had a man touch my breasts." He's a little repulsed but, being a good sort and not wanting to hurt her feelings, he begins to stroke and caress her breasts.

After a few minutes of this she whispers in his ear, "You know, I've never been fucked." So he picks her up, throws her as far into the sea as he can and shouts, "You are now!"

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A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running

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